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Thanks-for-nothing Giving

by Aaron Zint

Archaeologists have recently discovered new evidence behind the real first Thanksgiving. Apparently some petrified turkey was unearthed off the New England coast, and with the help of carbon dating, it was found to be overcooked and dry at the time of preparation. From the fossilized footprints near the site of the turkey, scientists were able to uncover what appeared to be a scuffle caused by the underwhelming food and apparent lack of gravy at this first American Thanksgiving meal.

Fueled by this new information, psychologists are now questioning the benefits of being thankful. After a weeklong experiment in his basement, Australian psycho(analyst), Sigmund Fraud was able to shed some light on the true science behind thankfulness. Here’s what he shared:

“I had two subjects sit across from each for 7 days, telling each other what they were thankful for. They were allowed two bathroom breaks a day, a gallon of Tang for hydration and a jar of cranberry sauce for energy. By the end of those 7 days, the data spoke volumes. According to my results, thankfulness causes a slew of negative outcomes:  increasing irritation, bloodshot eyes, high blood sugar followed by extreme fatigue from lack of energy and finally, fits of rage in which the phrases, ‘Let me out of here! Why did I agree to this!? You really are a psycho!” seemed to come out of nowhere. Oh yes, and we now know thankfulness is strongly correlated with a grotesque distaste for Tang.”

There you have it folks. Science has revealed that Gratitude is a sham.

 

 

*This article is satire and is meant to be funny 🙂 We are all very thankful here at Compass!

One response to “Thanks-for-nothing Giving

  1. I am thankful for Compass!! My clients, coworkers, supervisors, and everybody else I’ve met since I started working for this great company!! I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving!!

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